Over
by just delete this account
Summary: side story to Winding roads, take a peek at what was happening in Alex's mind as he sat through Sean's wedding


Ok, I'm back to the serious stuff.

I know I asked what you guys wanted and this is not it XD The poll results told me that you guys wanted the Brokeback mountain AU. and perhaps one day I will write it. I guarantee that it's not anytime soon though. I'm buried under several stories I'm trying to finish (and some I want to start) as of the moment so I wouldn't be able to produce a heavy, multi-chaptered story yet.

In the meantime, *points down at story*

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><p>Alex summers had been sorry for many, many things in his life.<p>

But so far, nothing could compare to how sorry he was and how much it _hurt_ to be sorry, than the moment he realized he lost Sean.

Perhaps, what made it so different was that; where he'd lost things he held dear to him before, he did so mostly because he wasn't strong enough to hold on to them when life viciously ripped them from his grasp. He'd been sorry he lost his parents –that was because he wasn't strong enough back then to save everyone from the fire that engulfed their house. He'd been sorry he lost his brothers –that was because he wasn't strong enough to handle losing their parents and did things that landed him in prison and them in foster families.

He was beyond sorry he lost Sean…because he willingly, _stupidly_ let him slip through his fingers.

He lost Sean not because some outer force overpowered him, no, Sean had been right _there_ at his feet, Sean had been on a shackle and offered Alex the key but Alex turned him down. He let him go.

Because he was too weak to face _himself_, to weak to admit that there was something there again, something that he could lose. He'd been so worn down by all the losses he suffered, that he got scared to ever care about anything and open himself to the risk of having life tear it away from him.

It was the stupidest _fucking_ thing he'd ever done.

_You don't know what you had til its gone huh?_

Alex thought as he took his seat next to Charles in the row of chairs up front, right in front of the makeshift altar that was set up in the Cassidys' backyard. He kept his gaze trained on Sean, who had his own glued to something way behind him, down on the other end of the bright red carpet set up in the aisle between the two sets of chairs arranged into rows. He didn't look away once but Alex could feel that Sean knew he was staring at him and was stubbornly ignoring his existence, cutting Alex out of his life just like he had done with himself from Alex's.

And for some reason, although he knew he deserved it, although he knew that he voluntarily lost Sean, it still made Alex feel like someone cut his chest open and wrapped barbed wire around his heart.

Whomever said that quote, Alex wanted to punch them in the face for being so right.

Music started playing and Alex gulped, trying to rid his throat of the sudden tightening he felt. Everyone present craned their necks to look and Alex took a breath before doing the same.

At the end of the aisle, Maeve Rourke stood, arm in arm with her father. She was a beautiful girl and she looked simply stunning in her long, white wedding gown but still, at the sight of her, Alex felt bile rising up the back of his throat. He watched silently as she walked slowly down the aisle. Every step she took, though muffled by the music and the carpet, still thundered in Alex's ears. He counted every single one, every small step that lead her closer to Sean.

With each one, it felt like the barbed wire around his heart tightened and by the time she was standing next to Sean and her father was putting her hand in his, Alex wondered why he wasn't dead yet, or why everyone else isn't, because the burning pain in his chest was so great, he was sure his body was just begging to release it and toss it everywhere in the form of red-hot, lethal circles.

Sean grasped her hand in his and he smiled at her.

The barbed wire wound tighter and Alex died just a little more.

When the two of them turned to face the priest standing in front of them, Alex saw Charles turn to him in his peripheral vision. Slowly, an image bled into his mind from Charles' and Alex frowned when the memory of the day Sean left played out behind his eyes, laced with Charles' curiosity, asking him wordlessly, _You're sure you're letting him walk away again? This time for good? _And before Alex could respond to that, Charles pulled out another memory, this time a much recent one and Alex heard Hank's voice in his head. _Wow, never pegged you for a quitter Havok_.

Alex clenched his jaw and, keeping his eyes stubbornly focused on the ceremony, gave Charles an imperceptible nod, replaying what he said to Hank in his head.

_I've hurt him __**enough**__. Not happening ever again_.

And he unleashed all his thoughts, emotions and memories all on Charles in a landslide of suffering and misery, causing Charles to nod as if saying _I understand_, brush his fingers lightly against the back of Alex's hand in a fleeting, consoling gesture and settle silently in his seat and out of Alex's head.

He cared about Sean, despite what Sean or anyone else might think. A lot. Perhaps even too much, because he acknowledged that he was nothing but a selfish idiot. He couldn't make Sean happy and he deserved to be, he deserved so much better…Perhaps now, he'd get it.

Alex expected to feel…_something_, he expected to feel so much pain it felt like there was a knife, physically lodged through his chest, enough sadness that he'd _want_ there to be a knife through his chest and perhaps even a healthy side dish of rage when the ceremony was over. Because then, it really was over, everything.

Instead though, all he felt as he sat, clapping his hands robotically while everyone else cheered and applauded the new couple, was _nothing_. He just felt a cold, hollow numbness, as if everything in him just stopped working.

Alex realized with a bitter smile that, that's probably true.

Everything in him gave up because it was _over_. There was nothing to _feel_ for. Sean was gone for good. Forever.

The guests all took turns going up to and congratulating the newly weds and when it was his and Charles' turn, Alex shook Sean's hand, looked him straight in the eye and bit his tongue. It was all he could do not to fall apart at the fresh wave of misery that not only returned with a vengeance, but swept over him so hard, he felt like it could've physically knocked him over.

Sean's smile was just the slightest bit tight and to everyone else, he looked truly happy and grateful that Charles and Alex'd been there at his wedding, but Alex saw it in his eyes, there was a flicker of _something_, something that echoed the anguished wailing Alex carefully kept contained in his very core and made him suspect that he wasn't the only one suffering.

_No, he'd be happier this way. Far, far away from me, where I can't hurt him_ Alex thought firmly.

He held on to that thought, even though it just cut yet another bleeding gash into the heart in his chest that refused to die just so it could feel more pain.

The reception dragged on and Alex desperately resisted the urge to get so drunk he couldn't see straight, let alone be able to recognize how he felt. It would do no one any good if he did. After all, Hank left already and Charles wouldn't be able to drag him home by himself. And more importantly, he was _supposed_ to have given up. All should be right and well in the world.

Alex scoffed.

Yeah, _supposedly_.

If only his heart, or whatever wretched thing it was that still refused to let go would listen to his brain then there really wouldn't be any problem.

He snuck away to the front porch where no one would find him right before people started dancing and he sat on the steps leading up to the front door, trying to collect himself…and failing miserably.

If there was any good all the drinking and making a total shit of himself earned him after Sean left, it was realizing with stunning clarity that he screwed up, harder than he'd ever screwed up before in his entire life(which was saying something) and he should just quit it because one: he lost, and it was _all his fault_ and two: it was too late.

….but goddammit, it still hurts like fucking hell.

_Fight for him. Harder than _he_ did for _you

Hank's words echoed in his head again and Alex sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose.

He didn't deserve Sean, never had, never will.

….and he loved him enough to give him to someone who did.

"Hey,"

Alex stiffened and whirled around fast, as if someone had just put a gun to his head.

From where he was leaning in the open doorway, Sean smiled at him uncertainly. "I thought you left."

Alex allowed himself to relax a little and resisted the urge to run. The tension that formed in the air the second he saw Sean was so thick, Alex was suffocating in it.

"No, still here." _Unfortunately_

"Where's the new Mrs.?" Alex asked.

Sean peeled himself away from the door to take a seat opposite Alex on the porch steps, mercifully leaving a foot and a half of space between them.

"Entertaining some guests."

"Oh. Why are you here?" _Why aren't you with her?_

"Why are you?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "Parties aren't my thing." _I was trying to get away from you and you're really not helping_

Sean chuckled. "Of course. Sorry, I forgot to mention your days in solitary confinement when my parents sent the invites to the professor. Thanks. You know, for being here…I know you probably had better stuff to do."

Alex clenched a fist. "Sure thing, the least I can do for an old friend." _not like I could keep myself away. I had to see you one last time before you're gone for good._

Silence over took them then, it was deafening to Alex's ears and it reminded him too much of the last night they were together, when Sean put himself at Alex's mercy and Alex let him down, let him fall and shatter into a thousand pieces.

All of a sudden, it was hard to be this close to him and Alex bit his lip, wishing he could disappear, or his plasma rings could just come out and for once destroy _him_, burn him up from the inside out til there was nothing of him left.

"I'm sorry…for everything."

Alex mumbled, barely above a whisper, his eyes, trained straight forward.

There was an eternity of a pause before Sean answered.

"It's okay… It's not like any…of that matters now."

Alex felt like he'd just been slapped, like Sean had taken the word _Over_ and every painful connotation it had and brutally smacked him hard across the face with it. He bit his lip and said nothing though, because everything _was_ over, in the ultimate sense of the word.

"…Right." Alex murmured, his throat felt tight.

_Even if it doesn't matter though_

"Well, I'm going to head back in. You should too."

Alex turned to him with a painfully tight polite smile. He knew Sean straight through it, he could see it in his eyes. And it made it hurt just a little more that Sean pretended he didn't.

'_It's not like any…of that matters now'_

The words repeated themselves in his head and Alex wanted to hit himself, to make himself believe that the words shouldn't cut him as deep as they did.

"I'll stay out here just a bit longer. You go on ahead. Congratulations again."

_I love you, you know._

Sean gave him a miniscule smile, his eyes were tight, they hid a thousand things but gave away nothing.

"Ok. Thanks. See you in a bit." And with that, he turned and headed back into the house.

Alex watched him go and long after he was out of sight, Alex remained where he was, staring after Sean.

"I love you." He repeated, inflicting the blow himself because hey, why not? It already felt like his heart was torn out and ripped apart anyway.

The words tasted bittersweet on his tongue and sounded like a broken, agonizing promise to his ears, surprising that they could have that effect on him when he's said them way too late.


End file.
